ARRRRGGGGG, I am SO pissed off right now.

SO, this chick on Facebook in my area was part of getting a group together of "young moms" so they could meet new people and whatever. Great, I think, I can try and socialize more. I join up after receiving an invite, leave my details, try and chat a little. Despite being as polite as always, turns out I quickly became a favored subject of gossip. I am young, yes, and I had my first daughter young - I have never tried to hide that, and I don't hide it now. But apparently that somehow makes me "weird" and not as good as these women - many of whom are also young, have young and not-so young kids, and are not married. How am I any different? But like usual, I am, of course, a slut, a failure, whatever they decided to label me.

It is also known by many people that I love photography as a hobby, and would love to one day become a professional. I know I'm not perfect, and my shots are sometimes really bad. But this chick apparently considers herself a "professional" - and even though I am not, I can clearly see her work is acceptable at best, definitely not amazing. I have several relatives that are professionals or are good enough that if they chose to, they could be. And her work is nowhere near what theirs is. Anyway, I decided to posta couple fun shots I took the other evening, playing around out in the dramatic lighting. They weren't awesome, but I seperated them into a folder for potential portfolio shots - which if they were put in, they would have been edited and adjusted, or re-shot in a very similar fashion to fix errors. Well, she decided to make some comments - fine - but turs around and goes and starts being really insulting and rude (without any provocation), then turns around and basically says everyone thinks I'm a "slut" because I had my oldest young.

Thanks, but all that proves is you're nothing more than a high-school level idiot, who cannot be happy without dragging down those around you. At least I can accept my work isn't great, you're still an loser fooling people into thinking yours is worth paying for. But how dare you pass judgement on me, without even knowing me (she has never met me, and only one or two of her "friends" ever have).

So, here ends another rant. I have blocked her, made sure all my info and photos are private, reported her group, and now am going to chill. I guess it all means I'm super cool, yo' - if they would rather gossip about me than having meaningful conversations, all the power to them.

Today, I'm torn somewhere between being amused, and annoyed. In a local free newspaper, there was a rather long article about a local family center, and their search for "poster families" for their services. Which I can understand, they want to show how they can help all types of families. But I found two major issues with their claims: one was that these two normal, nuclear families represent every type of family the center serves (they're not), and the other was that they help every family in our small community.

I know for a fact that the standard married with children is NOT the only type of family here. In fact, many women I know aren't even married to their partner, whether or not they have kids. Many don't have kids, and many don't want them. How will two families, who are married and have children, represent these families? As well, a lot of families are of mixed ethnicity. How will two perfectly white families represent them? And what about families where children come from seperate prior relationships? There are so many variables, the idea of a "poster family" is really insulting, and to me seems like nothing more than an attempt to push an archaic view of what a family should be. The only thing that differs between these two families are length of time in the community - one is new, here under a year, and the other has been here many years.

And throughout the article, claims are made that the center helps every family, and every family feels warmly welcomed and accepted. In my experience, this couldn't be further from the truth. I have visited the center perhaps 2-3 times in the approximately 8 months since we lived here. Once as part of their "welcome" initiative, which didn't make me feel particularly welcome - I got a tour of the center, but found the staff to be rather impolite, and the majority were Francophone. In fact, they didn't even know we had arrived, nor that I had visited the center - some 6 months after our arrival, we recieved a call to welcome us. That definitely didn't make us feel very welcome. As well, since our arrival, we have briefly met only a handful of our neighbours. We routinely recieve dirty looks and stares when we go out, and very few people have even spoken to us, even when we initiate contact. Yet, we have watched other, "traditional" families move in to much better receptions. The people here are terribly clique-oriented, and want very little to do with anyone who isn't part of their immediate group. On my second visit to the center, for a playgroup with A, this was terrible - I had many dirty looks, and the few people who did speak to me dismissed me quickly, or were outright rude, even when discussing topics that I actually do know something about.

Sadly, most people seem to think this center is the be-all and end-all of living here. Mothers race to register children for boring, endlessely repeated programs, and go on about how awesome this-or-that drop in is. Personally, I have gotten nothing from it, and I am insulted at the claims that they make, that everyone loves them and that they do amazing work for everyone. I'm sure that yes, some people are helped by their services, many even, but claiming that no one is left out or that two nuclear families represent everyone, is harmful to their potential (I'm sure that over time they could improve, if they thought they needed to), and to the families that don't fit the dynamic they are promoting.

P is home Thursday night. Can't wait, I need a break.

It's so sad. I spend so much time fooling myself into believe the crap I come up with, half the time I can't tell what's based on reality, and what's a totally fictitious creation of my mind. And focusing so hard on these creations chips away at my life, my person, and contributes to my unhappiness. The worst is this idea that I will be happier if I just move home. We currently live in a very small town halfway across the country from where I was born and grew up, and from my family. This placeis nothing like what I'm used to, and I am very unhappy here. I have tried to adjust, but I can only do so much. But many of the things I dislike about being here would not be any better if we moved back home. I hate being alone, and I have no real friends here - just aquaintences I can barely identify wit, or girls I can't stand but am forced to tolerate for the sake of P. These would not change much if I went home, I never had many friends and now have only one at home, and my family wouldn't be able to be there constantly just to keep me company.

But I cannot escape the thought that gettng away from here would make things better. So I suffer, P suffers, but there's nothing I can do - we can't just pick up and move, with P's career it is impossible. And honestly, going home would not improve anything, other than possibly allowing me the chance to see my psychiatrist again - she was amazing, I wish I could have continued treatment with her. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I should look into finding a new one here, but I can't imagine there would be one in town, nor that he or she would be anywhere near as good as she was. And no one takes my problems seriously anyway, so what's the chance I would get one at all, at least one I wouldn'thave to pay for? Not good, I would imagine.

An update on pregnancy: 34 weeks tomorrow. I am in near-constant pain, either my arms and hands or legs and feet, or from contractions. I have near-constant heartburn as well, but at least I have milk and Rolaids to help that. I expect the baby to be born by 38 weeks at the latest, although I'm not sure he'll even wait that long.

And I am craving slushies something fierce. I will likely buy one tomorrow, possibly look into buying something that can crush ice so I can make them with fruit juice at home.